I'm not normally a super-emotional person, but today has just been crazy.  I won't lie about what I did today, though.  School was normal, except for the wanting to hurl when I saw Corbin and Natalie holding hands, being blissfully happy.  Normally, I want to hurl.  Today, there was something inside of the that just...broke.  I said I won't lie, and I wont.  I still had/have a crush on Corbin.  I say the "had/have" because, after today, I'm really not sure.  I deny it, but I guess I'll just say I have a crush on him. 

It really hurts to know that he'll never really like me, and I guess it's just really hard to take.  Like I said, I deny it, but thats just to protect myself.  If he doesn't know that I like him, it makes it a lot less heartbreaking to see him being so cute with Natalie.  I guess it just makes it easier one me because then he doesn't have to worry about averting his eyes or ignoring me, and it hurts less.  Don't get me wrong, I wish them the best, even though (no offense to them) I don't think they'll make it through the summer.  It's just hard to see them together because they're so...I dunno...right. 

But here's where that little tidbit of info comes in...today...I let go.  I let go of him, of my feelings, grudges, personal vendettas...everything.  I listened to the CD that most reminds me of him, partially because he got me hooked (it's Yellowcard, BTW), lit a candle, relaxed, cried a lot, stuff like that.  I still don't really feel better, I just feel like I could just cry.  I did write something kinda cool, though.  Here it is.  It was in my sketchbook in my textbook cursive...

Dearest Friend,

The more I see you,
The more I know
We aren't meant to be
We never were and
never will be

I still remember
the night you took my hand
We just seemed to fit
but now everything just seems wrong

I lie here
Crying
Wishing
Hoping
Praying
Everything was ok
Just like it was

The truth is,
It never was
We never were

I was weak
I wanted someone
To take my hand
tell me it was alright
You weren't him

Every moment we shared,
I'll cherish
But we never had it all

Love always
Jess

I do feel better after that, but I still need someone to just give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok, he's just one guy and I shouldn't let him ruin my life like this.  The sad thing is, he was a lot of my life, I thought of him as a friend.  I'm not saying I spent hours obsessing over him and writing our names together like we were married or with little hearts all around, but it seemed like talking to him, or just seeing him smile made my day, just because I could see someone who was making the best of what God gave them and that someone was at peace inside.  Well, I'll take time to pine over it, but hey, tomorrow is another day and you never know what will happen.

Ciao for now!

PS  For all of you out there at Relay for Life tonight, LOTS LOTS LOTS of love and kisses to ya'll, you guys are AWESOME!  You guys totally rock!!!!  Keep on goin!!!!

good for you, being strong enough to let go and accept! Corbin is a great guy and you're a great girl, and if things don't work out, your still a great girl!
We're at a crazy age, and it's good that we have the whole webjournal thing as a rock and refuge. that realy bad song "Lean on me," while lame, had some points to make. i'm always there if you need me!
As to RFL it was fun and hurt slightly. When i arrived i was shocked to find DJ there (i should have remembered he was coming with a friend).
We ran into each other a couple of times and hung a bit, but i was buisy running, i ran/jogged/walked 14 miles!

Wow...that almost sounded like your mom, but thatnks, I feel a bit better this morning...everything still sucks...you saw Corbin there, right? Lemme guess...Nat was there too...well, it's not my deal anymore, I shouldn't worry. Thank God he doesn't read this anyway! It's still really really really hard, and it really hurts, but I get to go out with friends tonight (well, friends of my moms), so I'll have something to focus on...

and I guess it's not really that bad, I can concentrate more...or less, I guess it's the same...I mean, I can concentrate a bit more, but I jsut keep thinking about how hard it is, and I'm being really selfish. It's like, all I wanna think about or talk about is my problems and it's really shallow, I'm no better than the people that I detest most, and it really sucks. But hey, what can you do...broken hearts don't heal quickly, if they ever do. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...of course, there'll always be a piece missing...you don't get over long-time crushes easily, especially if it was deeper than a skin deep crush.

hugs for jess!!! i'm so sorry you feel that way, and if i could, you -know- i would give you the biggest hug right now! i wanna say that everybody goes through it, but ot everybody does, so i'm not gonna make it worse by lieing. although, i know that i sure did go through it, and i made it out with a respect for the person **you know who i'm talking about...lol** so i guess i'm okay.

and about corbin being there, actually he wasn't with nat whenever i saw him, so yeah. but still...i know it stings but, face it, they'll be over, and you still have a whole life that you can find things that make you happy. lol it was that f.l.a.s.h. speaker, kathy i think, that said people rarely ever marry their highschool sweethearts, which means slim to none ever marry their jr high/middle school sweethearts either. just remember, i'm here for you if you ever need it! :)

Im so sry!! I feel so sad for u, hugs!!! FYI: Corbin and Nat broke up the night of Relay for Life it was realli sad, but still hope fur u!

Well, I heard they broke up, but I really don't want a chance with him now. After what I've heard, he's too much of a slime for me...a cute slime, but a slime...

lol ...a cute slime...thats a good one...

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